You and me. Look at us. We’re both emotionally distorted, broken and shattered like Fun House mirrors in a tornado storm. Yet, the clown still laughs, the lights flicker energetically and the carnival goes on. But, what happens to us? We’re beyond repair; an error, a mistake and a disaster. You said we would last forever, just like they all said in that same, sincere tone to me. I’ve learned that forever is tomorrow, forever was yesterday, forever is today. Let’s ruin the word one more time and make promises we don’t intend to keep.

We’re running through a forest, fingers intertwined, dragging the other along as we try to keep up. We’re both panting between the laughter that flows so easily between us. Yours is a musical ha, ha, ha while mine is more like the tinkering of a bell, you say. Together, our voices make a song of young love and devotion. We’re ignorant of reality and the world around us. My life is you and your life is me. I wish at that moment I had noticed the errors between us. They were so noticeable, but we treated them like scars we tried to hide. You stopped in the middle of a clearing, a heavenly scene where the opening between the trees let down a ray of light that illuminated your smile. You spun me around and sat me upon a stump and got down on one knee. “Minnie, will you marry me?” you asked, and I lost myself in your eyes. I saw a future between us, flashing behind thick eyelashes as we breathed in unison. “Yes,” I answered, and grinned at you. You did a cheer and praised the God above, though you were never the religious type. “Thank you for blessing me with this beautiful, wonderful, mystical…” you turned and looked at me, biting your lip, searching for the right word. “Fantastical,” I provided, giggling. You continued, “Fantastical girl that makes my every day brighter and my every smile bigger.” Then you kissed me, and the deal was sealed.

I hate the saying, “Everything good must come to an end.” What pessimistic person thought of that? It drove a knife through me, reminding me of a past I could never forget, as hard as I tried. I wished, I prayed, I begged to let those memories flee my mind, but the only one who did the fleeing was me. I pushed myself to the limits to erase you from my mind. You were a plague, a disease that coiled around me and left me gasping for air. I wanted to shout, “Leave me alone!” You’re no longer the same to me; you’re a ghost of all the mistakes I made when I was innocent and young.

It’s a Sunday morning and I’m sitting in my bathroom, surrounded by tissues in clumps and heaps. We had just gotten into our first fight and it left me in uncontrollable tears. Fights were natural in relationships, but I was far too sensitive to handle anything you threw my way. What happened to the tender kisses? Would we make up? In my mind, this was the terrible end; the plunge into darkness and a vast space of emptiness. I had given my life to you, and saw nothing else. When I closed my eyes, your face swam in the blackness, you tainted my every thought, but little did I know that your love would bring me as much pain as it did joy. All those teenage magazines and articles never mentioned this in the Advice column. This was when I started to see the ugly flaws, the wrongs overpowering the rights. I dissected our relationship until it exhausted me, until the Kleenex ran out and my eyes were puffy, red, and sore. You would tell me to not think about it, to let it be and that we can get through this. You always had the right words, but after today, I started second-guessing your motives and every word of yours played throughout my mind like a song I had heard too many times before. How could I fall for this same trick again? I should have learned my lesson before. I was destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again my whole life.

We had our good days, and our bad, like any other relationship. Sometimes, I think you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I hate these contradictions. I look for a specific answer each time, thinking, “Where did we go wrong? What happened to us?” If I can pinpoint a certain reason, then maybe sleep will come easier, maybe I can focus on life around me, maybe it won’t hurt as much.